How Oshawa Earned Its KISSIan Shanley/Winnipeg Sun
Once upon a time in a land not so far away, the hottest band in the world decided to hold a contest.
It was declared to all that an online voting competition would take place. The idea was simple: the cities that garnered the most votes would be the cities where the band would play.
The villagers were excited and proceeded to log on in an attempt to make their hometown venue a stop on the upcoming world tour.
They voted in Detroit, Rock City. They voted in the New York Groove. They voted in Winnipeg. They even voted in Oshawa, Ont.
Weeks of voting turned into months, and finally one day the results were announced. The villagers gathered around in great anticipation. One by one, the winning cities were announced.
Detroit, Cleveland, Winnipeg, Montreal, Toronto and Boston were among the dozens of cities given bragging rights. But the city that managed to garner the most votes was left waiting. And waiting. Waiting for an announcement that never came.
Oshawa was devastated at being dealt the kiss of death. The villagers cried foul. All hell was breaking loose and they were hotter than hell.
So the villagers gathered, torches in hand, to decide on a strategy. They were mad enough to breath fire, and longed to rock and roll all night and party every day. And so the flaming youth came up with an idea to let the 60-year-old god of thunder himself know of their disaccord with Kiss. They let Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley and two other guys dressed to kill in Ace Frehley and Peter Criss suits know they loved it loud, and wanted to hear it loud, right between the eyes.
"Please Kiss, tears are falling. You must come to Oshawa," the villagers announced.
And just before the psycho circus went any further, the reclusive (maybe not) Gene Simmons himself appeared on TV screens everywhere throughout the village. "Kiss has decided that we have nothin' to lose and are happy to announce that kissin' time will take place in Oshawa after all," he may or may not have said.
The villagers rejoiced in the elder's statement and licked it up. They ran through the streets with "shock me" expressions on their faces, shouting it out loud. Kiss was coming, and it promised to be one of those crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, nights.
EMBARRASSING
Up until now, the biggest show Oshawa has seen that year was Ron Moore's Songs in the Key of Elvis as part of the Concerts in the Park series. The villagers were aware I did not make this obscure fact up.
Meanwhile, the rest of the world looked at this decision by Kiss to play Oshawa with a doubtful, unpainted eye. They wondered if the only reason the concert would be held was because Kiss was caught in an embarrassing situation. Of course, the villagers of Oshawa knew they were wrong. Kiss has learned a thing or three in the 35 years they have been around, and playing the media was top among them. You don't need to drink any cold gin to know that when Gene and Paul, and the two robots want media attention, they are masters at getting it. And get it they did.
If Kiss had just included Oshawa in the tour from the start, there is no way they would have received as much media attention. They had -- yet again -- created their own sonic boom, in more ways than one. And the villagers couldn't be happier.
Oshawa, you wanted the best, and you got the best. God gave rock and roll to you, and in Simmons' words, Oshawa is in for "the full high-octane, high-energy show ... this is going to be a 21/2 hour sweat-filled show, huge fireworks displays, the biggest screen you ever saw, brand new outfits, and almost every song that we can physically play during that time."
The moral of this fable is in the end, it's the squeaky wheel that gets the greasepaint.
Kiss plays MTS Centre here in Winnipeg -- which came in second in the online contest -- on Nov. 9.
Oshawa, which is no longer a world without heroes, gets to kiss and make-up Oct. 7.
And they all lived happily ever after.
